The start of something new

I am fat. Really fat. I don't think that changes the fact that I am really nice, interesting and wildly creative person. However, to many it means I am (pick one) - disgusting, invisible (how this works, I am never sure,) weak, stupid, worthless and I could go on but even I get the point. I have been heavy since I was a very young child. I remember my father spanking me for sneaking cookies to bed. In high school, my mother attempted to bribe me with $2K for a new wardrobe if I just lost some weight. Right now, I would give $2K to be THAT weight again! I have broken furniture, missed out on travel, not been invited to events and generally avoided life because of my weight. I have had complete strangers ridicule me in public. Why is it acceptable to tell a stranger on the street "you don't need that ice cream cone?" There is no "well just don't eat so much" or "just stop eating when you feel full" or "you just need will power." If anyone says "just" to me, i know they have not an f-ing clue.

For many years, I didn't let it phase me. Sure it hurt but it was also my protection. If I was fat, then I didn't have to deal with so many hurts and fears. As a child, I experienced two very profound experiences. One I recovered from. I caught my foot in the spokes of a bike while riding on the back of a friend's banana seat. It was months, years of surgery, inactivity. To this day, I have scares and problems. The one from which I never really recovered was an assault and I still won't pick at that wound. Both have shaped my image, my inner belief system and my self worth. Now, as an adult, I find myself often feeling like that child. Lonely, ignored and misunderstood.

The difference is, as an adult, I can do something about it. And I am going to start something, but in a different way than I have tried in the past. When I think of all the plans, programs, books and therapists I have gone to to try (and I mean TRY) to lose weight, it boggles the mind. I usually have a reason why it didn't work. Weight Watchers (hated the cheer leading and the smarmy upbeat,) Optifast (lost weight and my hair.) Weight Loss Clinic (tried to drink my calories.) Hypnosis (he was creepy.) Jenny Craig (icky food.) Smart for Life cookie diet) (ALWAYS starving.) And so on. Maybe it had to do with the scar I would not pick at. Problem is, none of these programs deal with the scars and wounds of the soul.

I am going to deal with it now. I found a psychologist to work with and a diet plan I can eat. I am going to try and document it here. Mostly for me. Shit, no one reads this anyway. But it helps me. While I want support and have it from my friends, I don't want the condescending help I have experienced from so many that don't have a f-ing clue what I am going through. Don't give me "positive energy" or "I dreamed you lost weight" or "just - (fill in the blank.)" Unless you have been here, before you want to even suggest anything to me, go read Frances Kuffel's "Passing for Thin." Then we will talk. I am not sure why I get so angry when approached with the soft, "spiritual" approach. It must be because I find those people to be self-serving and mostly uninterested in the other person. Their phoniness pisses me off.

I am doing this for me. Not for my mom. Not for my husband. Not for the stranger that won't look me in the eye. Not for the customer who looks a bit worried as I huff and puff up their stairs. Maybe, I will do it for the person who assaulted the child. It would be good to stand up and be strong.

So the journey begins. I wish my sister was here to call out to when I get lost. But, she helped me other times on this road. I will just know she is around the corner. I know my husband loves me and wants me to grow old with him. He wants to help but isn't sure how. I love him for all the silences and words to follow.

No bargains, no bribes; just a promise. It's about me this time. No one else.